Wigston Commoners play the Windies masters.

Kpl Tv:Wigston Wanderers have changed their name to the Wigston Commoners as a mark of respect to the Windies legends of Marshall,Haynes,Grenidge,Lloyd,King Viv,Colin Croft,Courtney,Curtley and Douj.

In a press conference ahead of the warm up match,Vaughie said," We have watched the KPL classics on Espn. We learnt from Tony Grieg that we did not want the Windies to grovel. We only reserve the right to make Knighton Ovalers grovel and ask for CEO Mum Anjana."

Vaughie added that he has used his Kolpak contacts to sign the hard hitting pitch hitter at number three, Regi Havershot.

This means that Manish will drop down from opening to number four to balance the batting order.

After the first drinks break, King Viv greeted Manish at da wicket, "Mate, it doesn't matter if you come at four. You're team is still on 0."

As Manish was taking guard,Micheal Holding introduced himself,"Hello, I'm the Devil.I don't need Jamaican beer to turn ya wicket into ashes."

Manish, an ardent student of Geoff Boycott, took the first run quickly but didn't turn back for what Bak Bak and Daniel Lambert(at 3rd man in the com box)said was an easy two.

Is that good enuf???

In a sudden turn of events the KPL franchise has enrolled the help of Mr General Poll the famed Football Referee. In his first match he no balled Mitesh's KnightonOval captain three times in his first three deliveries for apparent legitimate delivery, which have been verified by tv replay.
In apparent weird twist of events Mitesh then to a hattrick in the next three deliveries at 26 yards and after the 3rd he went up to Mr Poll and said "Is that good enough for you!!"
Mr Poll replied "Yes it is!!!"

Return of the fallen

During the 2006 Ashes celebrations, Vaughie's knee collapsed carrying April June, the KPL cheerleader, to the pavillion. He was out of action for three years.

He led a warm up match in 40C Dubai last week.The Wigston Wanderers declared on 414.8. Manish chipped in with 98 no, Richard Correy 200 and Vaughie 101no in 50 overs.

Vaughie was unaware that the Wigston Wanderers bowling attack would return the compliment.

The Arab Eskimos and Armada team scored 415.2 in 45overs. Mara Sheik, Hava Sheik's son, scored 300 no. He was dropped five times. He put his good hand eye co ordination to Red Camel.

Vaughie said," The world has moved on since I last played in 2006. We need to work on creating momentum. Wanderers, mobilise."

Bak Bak read out an email, " Sorry Buddy. Vaughie that world has moved on. You need to realise that the Wanderers have moved backwards."

Vaughie stormed out of the press conference when he was shown the email address.The email was from miteshthanki@knightonoval.eu.

bak bak joins kpl commentary team

KPL Sky: The renowned Arab comedian will join the commentary team for the 25th Anniversary. He was welcomed by Richie Benaud, Brian Johnson and Siva RamaKrishna at a Wigston Wanderer's tea party.

As they sipped away, Bak Bak addressed the Wigston Wanderers team members.

"This is a special occasion. Hopefully, the KPL will tour the Arab states in the winter. Always remember : Life is just a big joke," said Bak Bak, the comedian.

KPL tea party

KPL info: Manish has made an unilateral decision to become freelance for next year. He will play for the Wigston Wanderers on a pay and play basis. He will spent the rest of the season in the Nottingham Premier league.

Manish said, " I will not be dictated by Mitesh and Ceo Mum Anjana. I need a fair share of the TV money.At the moment, a whopping ninety percent of the TV money from PG tips is given to the home side.The KPL franchise takes ten percent. That leaves me with nada. This is not on. Mitesh will have to play away for the 25th anniversary.As a protest, I will stage my own tea party."

the damned wanderers

Greg Chappell has left the Wigston Wanderers in 44 days.

Greg left a stunned Manish Thanki.

" You can put all your medals and international caps into the biggest dustbin you can find. By using the kermit ball, you have wons titles by frankly cheating. If you do not want your grandchildren to remember you as a band of dirty buggers, I want you to pay fairly and attractive cricket," said Greg Chappell as he hit Manish for six.

"Can Sourav xxxxing Ganguly do that ?" said Greg Chappell.

Kpl 09 coming to a close

Kplinfo : Barring Mitesh being timed out for change of batsmen,illegal transfer policy and stomping off in the middle of the match because some one put extra butter into his chipbutti and extra milk in his clusters, Manish has conceded defeat.

Aga the Barbarian, an Open uni graduate, has given Manish a leaked dossier that it is impossible to catch the Knighton Oval with 2 games to play and a three point difference.

" We have played like men this season. We did not lie down like the dogs in Cesar Milan's show. We fought back.We kept the honour of our omerta. The vital signs are looking good for next season. Our winter season starts now. We shall start to prepare for squash and rugby league. Afterall, we are the Wigston Wanderers cricket and rugby league team. Don't forget to buy the dvd "The Knighton Oval eagles have landed," said Manish drinking his kerla juice.

WC's X factor stuns Knighton Oval

KPl info: Manish is rubbing hands at his latest victory.He successfully defended 24, with Mitesh finishing on 21.

"I would like to thank Mitesh for not subscribing to the prescription of Dr W Grace. If it is a green top, think about it and still bat first. I put my success down to my new anthem. I am bulletproof,Ou, Ou, Ou...," said Manish with a smirk.

"He might not be right most of the time.There is always a first time. For Manish, it's normally the last time. When we were good, we were good. When we were bad, we were bad. Wigston Wanderers were more consistent and won the great moments," said a dejected and gritty Mitesh.

So it is now 7-4.

The pendulum and the Greek gods swing again.

thrilla in manila

Kpl: Back to back matches had mixed fortunes for Mitesh and Manish.

Mitesh took the day night match 31 to 20.

Manish dropped Ravi Bopara and brought back family favorite Ryan Sidebottom.

Manish pulled the rabbit out of the helmet and tied the shoelaces of the Knighton Oval bottom heavy run machine to restrict them to a vegetarian 12.

"My aim was to make my bowling offensive rather than defensive," said Manish as he gave Mitesh some catching practise.

Timeless 18 balls

KPl info: The Knighton Oval have been denied a 5 game cushion.

Manish let the air out of Mitesh surge for a sensational win. Mitesh started brightly by opening his account by smashing the ball for six to the cow corner magnet.

Mitesh's mind become scrambled on the last ball as he tried to hit the ball with style rather than his bankable agricultural heaves towards cow corner.

A miscued hard flash to mid off could only yield a run.

So the game was tied at 36- 36.

There was a bowl off and both teams disappointedly drew again.

Our reporter had to leave because he had a dentist appointment. He witnessed throwing at the stumps, staring at each other, paper,stick and paper. He said they were just about to play Irish snap. He told me that his money was on Mitesh because has "more insulation."

Hear no evil

Mum Anjana has issued a unilateral diktat to Wigston Wanderers "boo boys " in the Western terrace.

"This is cricket. It is not a rock concert. Is Mitesh a rock star ? No. Exactly,"said Mum Anjana placing some extra sugar on Mitesh's jambus.

On "fancy dress" Saturday, no one will be allowed to boo Mitesh from the western stand.

She has proved that talk is not cheap. She started to police the WC fans.

She has banned Tom Regan, the trumpeter of the WC Barmy army, for calling Mitesh "honey monster" and playing out of tune.

On Tom Regan's twitter page, he announced on the eve of Round 10 match that he will not be at the Knighton Oval. He remains committed to the WC.

" Actions speak louder than words," said Manish as he placed a sound proof order for Mum Anjana's office.

Wigston Wanderers song

I am bulletproof

I' ve forgotten my box

I do it for the thrill

I hope Mittie doesn't go for the kill

I'd rather be hit on the grill

ou ou ou ou ou ou

Ginger beer heat

The two opposing gladiators entered the windy and leaf swept arena with the verve and bravado of two colossus' on Jamaica Ginger beer because there was so much heat they could turn stumps into ashes!!

With the toss of the Goddess of Chance, she blessed the Wigston Wanderers who chose to fire deliveries of destiny and hate against the might of the KnightonOval.

After a period of tight foray and missed chances the Knighton Oval made a score of 25 which would have to replied by the Wigston Wanderers with blood, sweat and courage.

However, the enormity of the task resulted in them falling from grace like the angels of old, though could not replicate their grace in defeat, instead using a tact of vengeance to strike in the return battle.

Here ends the battle but not the war
6-2

Girls, pearls and Mittie Thanki.

KPL info: Mitesh is in hot water with the Women Institute.

Mitesh was caught talking to Robin Banks on the stump mic about chat up lines.

Here is a sample (which were publishable):

Are we near an airport, or is that just my heart taking off?

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again ?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Is your name Gillette.You're the best man can get.

Is your Dad a terrorist? Because you're a bomb.

I'm new in town.Can I have directions to your house?

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see.

We are still awaiting news if Robin Banks was as successful with the ladies as he has been allegedly with banks.

A day in the life of Dr Mitesh by Daniel Lambert

KPL Wisden edition : After doing "a Cantona," KPL Ceo Mum Anjana texted Mitesh news that he will have to serve a four match ban.

In order to top up his wages, Mitesh has returned to becoming a doctor.

Daniel Lambert: Ok,Doc. I'm not going to ask the usual questions from your patients and the GMC ( ie how many people have you killed and where is the paperwork for Tom Sawyer?). Have you got any funny stories?

Mitesh: They focus on blonde patients,actually.

DL: My favourite type,Doc.

Mitesh: Her name was Jenny Jones. She was a proof reader at the local M&M factory. They used to keep her busy over Christmas by giving her a letter with "please turn over" on both sides.Well, she was having her sixth child. She told me that she wished for another daughter. She called them all Helen.So I asked what she did if she wanted just one of them. She said that's easy.Naturally, I call them by their surname."

DL: That reminds me. I have to upgrade the Skoda I get from my part time evening job. The only thing I keep in it is a bus timetable.

Mitesh: Evening job ?

DL(off air): I'm a car thief.Think of me as the Robin Hood of the Kpl. I steal from the rich and get it to the poor, me.

Force= ma - k!

Knighton Oval Widsen: Mitesh will boycott the next round of KPl round robin matches.

He is unhappy that the ICC enquiry yielded no proof against Manish.

Daryll Harper said that he could not find anything because the video references appeared in the middle of the screen.

Mitesh lashed out at Umpire Harper," I put the full force of the universe into smashing the long hops into next week. They only trickled back to Manish. Force=mass x acceleration - the kermit ball"

Desert island disc

KPL tv: Manish said he would take a bat.

Mitesh said he would take some stumps otherwise it is hard to justify an lbw decision against the Wigston Wanderers.

Mum said she would take a deck chair.

This was all fine until they landed on the Isle of Wight.

Mitesh screamed at the ITV production assistant," Which of you ivory headed bumpkins forgot the ball?"

Who let the dogs out!

Mitesh has blamed his recent loss on the kermit ball.

"It is against the spirit of cricket. Manish needs to be ashamed of himself," said Mitesh as he let loose his three young recruits: Nero, Augustus and Caesar.

They chased Manish as he walked out of the Knighton Oval long room in front of the members.

Mike Engels: Don't you think they should have a muzzle?

Mitesh: Mike, don't worry . They are good judges of characters. They only bite Wigston Wanderer fans.

Mike: Really? Caesar Milan, you are right. Dogs are not plain stupid. I think the three dogs will be the clear favorites for the Knighton Oval's Got talent 2009, over to you Maria.

Mission Istambul

Round 9: Manish might pull off the greatest come back since Jesus.

Manish said,"It's now 5-2 with 2 games to play. The boys watched the heroics of the the Gerrard and the gang at tea time. I said to the boys. Look when we pause the dvd, Agga the Viking still bets on AC Milan. That's the spirit! As Aga would say, it's not over until the dvd finishes."

Mike Engels: Awesome.

Ashes to Ashes: If Lillie don't get ya Mitie will

Inside the KPL ashes.


Mike Engles:How did you face the pace bombardment of Lillie and Mittie before helmets?

Manish: It was like standing in third lane and asking for a car for a lift.

Mike Engles: Hey kids, this is not like the warnings on WCW that you don't listen to anyway. KIDS please don't try this at home!
Anyway, Mitesh said you played better once you were hit.

Manish: Mitesh , I know you are watching. You weasel. You bowled better after I hit you for six to each corner of the pitch.

Mike Engels: On a worrying note and to get a balanced view of cricket. Tony Woodcock has claimed that cricket caused his brain damage.

Manish(starting with a bark) :It is pure rubbish that playing without a helmet damages the old grey cells.In 25 years of cricket, I have been hit on the head and it has not affected my IQ.

Mike Engels:" Handing over to the studio, Maria."

Manish: " Get out of my way, Mike . I have to get ready to run in the 3.30 from Newmarket."

New balls,pleaze

Radio Mirchi : Mitesh was disgusted that the umpires did not spot Manish's ICC banned "Kermit ball."

Mitesh has alleged that we need to put a bell in the ball so the umpires can pick up the ball tampering.The "kermit ball" is particularly dangerous because it starts to reverse swing at the 6 th ball.

Manish in his defence told Radio Mirchi that Mitesh had broken the ball himself when he misqueued a defensive front foot shot.

Mitesh was slow to react to the fact that Manish had tampered with the ball, even though the evidence was replayed after each delivery by the Knighton Oval brat pack. The rupee finally dropped for Mitesh. On his 16 th delivery, he bowled Manish a beamer in anger.

What's up , Doc?

Body in Balance TV: Mitesh has turned to CEO Mum Anjana to find a cure to his chronic back problem.

Mum Anjana rubbed her hands in joy. She has recommended a carrot diet.

" Now you don't see rabbits wearing glasses and having back problems, do you?" said Mum Anjana as she distributed a recipe for carrot soup to our TV crew.

The Enforcer says the pen is mighter than a 2lb 10oz SS bat

Sky Arts: Mitesh was attending the book launch of the former Knighton Oval enforcer,Robin Banks.

He was a hard hitting all rounder in the 2003 Ashes winning team. He was an effective sledger from first slip. During his last Ashes campaign, he greeted Manish to the crease by saying, " Have you got any family?"

Tragedy struck the very next ball, when he was involved in a career ending collision with butterfingers wicketkeeper, Rick O'Shea.

After an unsuccessful comeback, he turned to a career as a financial advisor.

"Deregulation of bank's security" was described by Mitesh as an interesting insight into how banks can remain safe with less security staff.

KPL Rap

You’ve got to bat and bowl
But have to really give your soul
You can bowl slow or fast
But you should never be last

Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m a KnightonOval man

They’ll always hit you and try to hurt you
But you will Defend and attack and find a way though
There is only one way to beat them
Bowl around the legs and let the death rattle greet them

Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m a KnightonOval man

And what you’re looking at
Or i will hit with a beamer, yeah just like that
This my master plan
ANd we will even sledge the opposition fans
This ain’t a simple cricket song
AND remember Don't support Wigston Wanderers they are just wrong

Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m a KnightonOval man

Jellybean overdose at KO?

Panorama: Manish has called for random drug testing after it was revealed that Mitesh was going to launch a Knighton Oval song.

"If there isn't a "jelly bean" problem within the KO team what more proof do you need? Next you'll tell me that Mitesh is appearing on "KPL has got talent" dancing to Kajra re Kajra re," said Manish checking his bank account to see if Setanta has paid him for his Fanta ad last week.

Mitesh to settle score

Kplinfo: In the absence of the banned Gavin Hamilton, Mitesh delivered a chilling progress report into the state of the KPL to the Schofield committee.

"Last week's pitch was a disgrace. It had not been cut for weeks.It was a third world pitch. Whose bright idea was it to make the pitch sand based. It helped the wigston Wanderer's leggies,"said Mitesh.

Our Windies correspondent,Joel Garner,whispered the name of the guilty party into Mitesh's ear.

Mitesh took his bat and stormed off. He spotted the "sicknote" groundsman relieving himself on the KO trophy cabinet on the KPL CCTV.

Rare interview with the Captain of Wigston Wanderers

Today we have an exclusive interview with Manish the Captain of WC.
The interview today is by well known TV personality and BCC host of Watch the Night, Jeremiah Pacman.
"So Mr Manish or Your Highness as you like to be called by your friends,how would describe the rumours regarding the split within the WC camp, especially with the omission of your talisman Rudge ka Gudge in the last game?" Our reporter said

"First of all there is no split in the camp. The incident you are talking about was a mere misunderstanding. There is always going to be some disagreement in a group of players, it is because they care about the team! There is no I in TEAM" Manish then chuckled to himself either he found what he said funny or was telling himself a private joke. He has been seen buying a number of rude joke books from some very unprofitable places.

"A disagreement?" Our reporter replied "Rudge Ka Gudge needed 12 stitches his face with 2 broken teeth!! An eye witness says you were covered in blood, not your own by Rudges!! Then later that day your Austin Martin DB7 was heard playing Ludacris' "Get Back" especially the line and I quote "See I caught 'em wit a right hook, caught 'em wit a jab. Caught 'em wit an uppercut, kicked 'em in his ass" what do have to say to that!!!"

"Hate the game not the playa...G5" is all Manish said before getting up and leaving...

In next weeks edition read about how to make home-made pumpkin juice...

Put da sock in it.

Sky Sports News: Manish has joined Mitesh in a rare moment of unity by rubbishing women's cricket,on the eve of the Women's T20 final.

"Yes, the cricket is comical. You've got undernourished Indians and Pakistanis.They struggle to hold the bat. How did the Windies field 11 players , when they can't get 11 players for the men's team?It's a mystery to me.If I took on one of the Ozzie or Kiwi girls in a fight I'm not sure if I would be able to silence her with just one punch , as in the old days," said Manish ,as he paused to take sip of Wigston Wanderer's triple filtered coconut pineapple juice.

The press conference was gatecrashed by 44 angry women cricketers who were practicing in the Wigston Wanderers net and watching Manish on the big screen. They locked the door and began to scream and shout.

Luckily for Manish, he has developed the technique of blocking "white noise." He had plenty practice during his bad tempered one way disciplinaries with CEO Mum Anjana.

Glasgow kiss for miss.

BBC 24: Mitesh has been giving evidence in the Stanford enquiry. The Knighton Oval have still not been paid for taking part in the Stanford series with Jamacia and England.

The meeting was disturbed by an angry feminist protester Ms Emily Pankhurst. Ms Pankhurst was upset by Mitesh's comment in "Being Mittie" that he would never launch a Knighton Oval ladies team until they start wearing mini skirts.

Ms Pankhurst sprayed Mitesh with pink paint and slapped a Wigston Wanderers sticker on Gavin Hamilton's forehead, the current Vice Captain. Gavin leapt out of his seat and gave her a "Glasgow kiss."

It's 5-1 with five games to go !

Wigston Wanders : Manish was not lying when he would do anything to win. He applied the chin theory by bowling short. The sandy pitch was a God send . He got unreliable bounce.

There was some controversy when Manish's feet were touching the rope and a four was not given.

Manish said, "Life is swings and roundabouts. I think the decisions evened themselves out over the game. Mitesh was fitter than I expected. I think watching the Liverpool Mission Istambul helped. I am confident that I will win the next four matches."

Being Mittie.

Sky Arts : Mitesh has published a record breaking autobiography " Being Mittie." It has reached number one within one week of its release.

Mitesh talks intimately about his humble beginnings as a corridor cricketer. He learnt how to play the on drive by concentrating on hitting the broken washing machine.

He self taught himself how to play leg spin by remaining still and focussed at the crease. He gives an insight into his ability to crash the ball consistently for sixes.

He states that when he was four, he used to use a full size bat. His brother used to bowl bouncers at him from six yards.

He learnt his first lesson in captaincy from Thanki Thanki.
He said," Captaincy is about the two M's- momentum and planning."

It is an enjoyable read and competitively priced at £8.99.

Daniel Lambert , the entertainer.

Wigston Wanderers Live: Daniel Lambert has been invited to be the guest of the Wigston Wanderes after Easyjet refused to change his ticket.

Daniel said," This is what happens when the world is run by Sunderland and Knighton Oval fans. They are like rats.You are never more than three feet away from the blighters."

Daniel moved to a lighter mood by cracking some jokes.

1. What do you get when you cross a Knighton Oval fan with a gorilla ?
Dunno. There's a limit you can make a gorilla do.

2.A patient was sitting in the doctor's office. He was awaiting some results.
The doctor walks in .
"Ah, Mr Freaky. Would you like the good news or the bad news?" said Dr Thanki.
"Bad news please, Doc," said Freaky.
"The bad news is that you have got 48 hours to live,"said Dr Thanki.
"The good news? There's a cure !" said Freaky shivering.
"Of course, not - there is no cure !"said Dr Thanki.
"Did you see that pretty nurse before you came to see me? The tall blonde one in the short skirt?"said Dr Thanki rubbing his hands.
"Yes," said freaky.
"Well I am going out with her tonight,"said the Doctor.

3. A burglary was recently committed at the Mara Knighton Oval ground. The entire contents of trophy room was stolen. Police are looking for an umpa loompa with a pink carpet and a Red camel energy drink.

4. Two cows were grazing on the Knighton Oval pitch.
"What do you make of this mad cow disease ?" said the black cow
"Doesn't affect me, bana,"said the other cow.
"Oh, yeah ? Why's that?"
"I'm a helicopter."

5. An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.
It was wifey with a report that a lunatic was driving down the wrong way down the motorway.
"Yeah, I know. It's not one," Albert replies," there's hundreds of these bonkers."

6. What do elephants have for dinner?
An hour- just like the rest of us.

7. What is the difference between a dog and a fox ?
About pints of Newcastle bitter.

8. a man walks into a doctor's clinic.
"I'm having probs with my love muscle. My wife danced for me . But still nothing." said Desparate Dan.
Dr Thanki asked him to come tomorrow with his wife at nine o'clock sharp.
The wife danced and shook whatever her mother had given her.
Dr Thanki patted the man on the shoulder and said, " You have not got a problem. You need to change your wife."

eggtremists

Toon Army Pull out : Manish was surprised to learn that the membership for the Wigston Wanderers has swelled due to Hav-a-Sheikh's six month free trial membership.

The marketing drive has attracted alot of disgruntled Newcastle fans. Daniel Lambert said, " I like the Wigston Wanderers because I was reading Manish's entry on Wikipedia. It said Manish had trials with Newcastle United. He worked for the Newcastle Red cross. He received a doctorate on Kevin Keegan from Newcastle Poly at the age of 14. He is one of us. On Doomsday Sunday, I will crack eggs on my bare chest with every ball. If Manish loses, I will drink the eggs in a Knighton Oval preferred partner mug."

Sheikh , rattle and roll

Marketing weekly: Hav-a-Sheikh has lost no time to tap the marketing potential of the Wigston Wanderers. To celebrate the launch of his new Red Camel energy boost drink, Wigston Wanderers are holding a hula hoop competition for the female WC fans.

The winner will have to drink as many cans possible in 1 minute whilst hula hooping.

The first prize is a leading role in Yash Raj's next film, "Slumcamel Billionaire."

The second prize is an exciting evening with Manish.

Manish said, " This is the first time being the runner-up is being the real winner, cos I will show them my idea of a good night as the bishop said to the actress."

Manish is ready for a SHEIKH

***************STOP THE PRESS***************
The Knighton Echo has well informed sources at the Wigston Wanderers which states the club could be taken over by a middle eastern billionaire in the shape of Hav-A-Sheikh, who has made his money in Camels, yes camels. Who would have guessed??

Our reporter got access to an exclusive interview with the Sheikh. On direct questioning why he had bought a franchise in such financial turmoil with record losses last year the Sheikh answered
"When the Camel is of the thirst, it is the Camel that will find the water!"

Our Middle eastern correspondent is currently in hospital so we can not interpret the saying, but we think it means "Who cares I am rolling in your US dollar, I've been pimped"

However, we can report in a sudden twist of events that Manish has been seen taking acting lesson. We believe this is after he was offered the role of Kakarrot in the forthcoming parody Lionball A.

More to follow.....

edammed

Mitesh, the rockstar, shines at Kingtonbury.

Knighton Oval Pay per view channel 2211: With the constant rain and abandonment of matches, Mitesh has unilaterally brought forward the annual music festival, Knightonbury.

Not even a power cut could stop Mitesh finish singing "Chinni Kum." The swarm of crazy Korean fans of the Knighton Oval joined in enthusiatically. they conducted their own tribute by doing the choota nihi hai dance. They would peel off their blazers and aircomb their hair.

" I really enjoyed it. I was worried that the Knightonbury would become a Woodstock with the Korerans peeling off their clothes. You need a good audience for karoke. Otherwise, it is like a having a kiss without a squeeze," said Mitesh as he caught some Hauritz jelly beans in his mouth, thrown by Eval Ivanov , the stunning Knighton Oval cheerleader.

Manish "another fine mess, "according the Kpl CEO.

Knighton Oval TV: CEO Mum Anjana has hammered out her concerns about Manish.

Mum Anjana:" He is not like his cheques, he can not bounce back. The 5-0 lead is disappointing. This is not one day cricket. It is one way cricket.

On this rare occasion, I agree with Thanki Thanki, this t18 format is an exhibition and t36 is an examination.

Manish is headed for no where. Unfortunately, he has got there sooner than expected. The only thing he will get without trying is balckheads.

I disagree with Manish's decision to hire Alan Hansen as consultant. Alan told him to introduce: tempo, pace and power into his batting. That is just plain stupid. That advice is like giving a drowning man both sides of the rope.

I am a non violent person, I think I need to slap Manish into shape."

Our reporter will fiel e reply as soon as he finishes his oven baked steamed somasa.

Facts,Lies and Videotapes

BBC Panorama ( Are today's cricketers out of control ? ) :As Mitesh left the Mara Knighton Oval, he was greeted by a frenzied Korean group of KO supporters chanting "Halla Bol" to the deafening Korean drums. An expectant autograph hunter was disappointed when Mitesh gave him his blazer, combed his hair and said, "Choota nihi hai."

"Never trust what you read in the papers!!" Mitesh said as he got into his black 4 by 4 Rangerover Sport.
"Well technically it was on a blog rather than a newspaper" Our reporter Nosmo King reply
"What ever!!" Mitesh replied through black sunglasses.
"Look for one the music in the coach is The Fellow of the Rings and not Lord of the rings FACT. He was not wearing any underwear FACT! It was his ex girlfriend that let him lose FACT!!!
"What about him going to WC your bitter rivals" Our reporter asked
"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea" Mitesh replied drowned out by the sound of spinning tyres and a hasty get away.

When the traffic light turned green, Mitesh delibrately drove into a puddle. The water and mud sprayed a disabled wheelchair bound senior Wigston wanderers supporter being pushed across the road by her care worker.

She got up from her wheelchair and walked to the curb. She whipped the mud out of her eyes. She began to chant "We're cool. We're rock. Wigston wanderers, we rule."

Mitesh reversed his 4x4 with previously unseen giggling cheerleaders in the back. He lowered the window and simply turned up his Fellow of the rings CD.

Cash and Barry

Wigston Wanderers TV: Gareth Barry has done the unthinkable. He has signed for the Wigston Wanderers from the Knighton Oval for an undisclosed fee, believed to be £300,000.

Barry has revealled that the main reason for the move was the fact that Mitesh has not changed the "Lord of the Rings" CD in the team bus for the past 18 months.

" The final straw was that on my stag do Mitesh and the Mara brothers shaved my head. They handcuffed me to a lampost and stripped me down to my underwear. I was a deadringer for Golum. Dogs pissed on me. Drivers honked at me all night. The police drove past several times. Finally, I was released by my sister. I was going to cancel my wedding but I couldn't afford to lose the deposit. Worst still, Mitesh released a video of it on youtube," said Barry , as he took a pill for anxiety attacks.

Thanki Snr speaks from the wilderness

Biography channel : Mitesh's dad, Thanki Thanki, ex supermo of the Kpl franchise, has heavily criticised Mitesh for selling the soul of the KPL.

"This is supermarket cricket. The Kpl is no longer a novelty. It is on every day. Mitesh's capataincy is soft and boring. I hate the way he goes to the Mara brother after each ball and pats them on the bum. In my era, we bowled 36 balls. We had nothing about diets and stamina. Mitesh, can ask his Mum I used to eat 10 chappatis a day. Mitesh has to realise that the difference between a good spin bowler and a normal spin bowler is your brains," said Thanki Thanki as he glumped a whole coke can in one go.

Mara plumbing takesover Knighton Oval.

CNBC: Mara plumbing have bought 60% in the Knighton Oval franchise for a cool $1million.

There will be an immediate shake up. Ravi, Sanjay and Deepak Mara will open the bowling and bat top of the order. The team mascot will be called "Fruita", after the headless chicken that survived for two years, and the team chant will become "Mara, Mara." The stadium will be renamed the Mara Knighton Oval.

We join Mitesh in a live interview with Jonathan Agnew.

Jonathan Agnew :Mitesh is having a heavy net session with the Knighton Oval under 9 team to improve his confidence. Can you tell the worldwide audience about your health and the impact of the Mara deal?

Mitesh: I am close to a total recovery from my back spasm. The Mara deal will be good for us. We will pump $600,000 into the academy. $400,000 will be used to refurbish the Knighton pavillion. As you can see, if you turn your cameras, the Mara lads are already working on the piping.

As Mitesh drops his SS bat, he shouts , " Nichhe ki pipe, Bandru!"

We are trying to restore our satelite link.

Super Mit and ugly Scots

Knighton Oval TV: In a warm match with the Scottish t20 team, Mitesh took 5 wickets in a sensational over . Requiring 1 run to win, the Scottish underdogs were cruising at 17 for 5 when Mitesh spinwashed them..

The only difference between Clark Kent and Mitesh is that Clark Kent took off his glasses before he saved the day.

Manish's rant.

Wigston Wanderers TV: Manish has slapped a dossier on CEO Mum Anjana's desk.

"I know it is too early for mind games. Mitesh is violating the Respect campaign with umpires.
On 1 st May, no lbws were awarded against the Knighton Oval. Fact
On 8 th May , Mitesh bombed Steve Bucknor out of the Kpl series. Fact.
On 15th May, James Freaky was allowed to have a runner eventhough he was carrying a pre existing injury. Fact.
But he is not punished.How can you have a respect campaign and criticise the umpires every week?
You can analyse the facts and come to your own decision . We had a meeting in Manchester about the respect campaign .And I was very clear. Forget the campaign because Mr Thanki was killing the umpires," said Manish.

Some mothers to have em!!

Our reporter Leggy Botham (a strange name you may say, but it was one of the reasons we hired him) took his reporting to behind the scenes of the KPL09, due to the lack of recent matches, some would even argue lack of excitement!

Today we are going to interview the ever enigmatic Mum Anjana CEO of the KPL franchise

"So how do you feel about the KPL tournament? Many would say there is no real excitement with such a one side series"

"In an tournament you are always going to have series like this one, and usually the team inflicting the damage is later called a great by the historians" Mum Anjana said while eating a samosa while the reporters stomach grumbled

"You hungry? What is your mummy doing you are as thin at a freshly fried poppadom!!" Mum Anjana.

Unfortunately the rest of our report is to follow... as our reporter is still eating...
Shame

Spinach 24/7

KPlinfo (the home of cricket): Iyer Swami has prescribed a diet of spinach. He believes that there is an iron deficiency throughout the Knighton Oval's various specimens of vegetarian cricketers.

In a leaked urine test, Mitesh has shown a high level of iron and other drugs in his body.

Mitesh in an outburst during a press conference simply said, "I am iron man."

Yoga training for the Knighton Oval

Kplinfo (home of cricket) Iyer Swami, a tamil yoga expert, has been flown in to speed up Mitesh's recovery.

It has been alleged that that there are some irregularities regarding his expenses claim.

Iyer added to a press release, " Mind it, rascala."

Why some swear by KPL and some swear at it.

KPLinfo (the home of cricket): The intense schedule of 24 matches in 7 days has taken a toll on Knighton Oval skipper, Mitesh. He has ripped a lower back muscle while practising his doosra. He might be out of action for 14 days.

This leaves Andrew Macdonald to spearhead the attack.
Brian Close, Knighton Oval coach, said, " Andrew is neither a good enough bowler to open the bowling nor a batsman to bat at 6. This means we have got a long tail.This weakens us by 60%. We will have to work with what we have got ."

In contrast, Manish has taken the opportunity to play in the KPL to increase his fitness.
Greg Chapell, Wigston Wanderers coach, believed that he was showing good signs in a late bid to return to form .

He said, " He is beginning to turn the ball square. He has started to keep his head still at the crease like 2005."

Thumbs up from KPL sponsor , Mr Glass.

Financial TImes: Mr Glass, the nationwide glass franchise , has signed an exclusive £1 million deal.

Mr Glass added that he felt that David Dunn's decision to drop down the order for the Wigston Wanderers will allow them to take advantage of the slog overs and attract feamle viewers.

Knighton Oval's "pup" whispers into married life.

MTV Celebrity news bulletin: The attendees of the annual club awards at the Knighton Oval were thrown out of their chairs.

DHJ, or commonly known as the " Knighton phantom," has announced that he is going to tie the knot with Eva Petrova, KO's truely KO cheerleader. They danced to "Bhoot ni ke " and chants of "Phantom" from the Knighton toon army.

The origin of his name is due to the fact that he would lock himself in the toilet until Wigston Wanderer's Shane Warne had finished his spell.

Mitesh was touched that his players were moving on.

"He will always be pup to me. He was the youngest member of the Ashes 1992 winning team. I can understand his decision to leave cricket and take up bricklaying. He was struck on his head by a beamer from Manish. Anyway , that is for the ICC to sort out. I wish him luck for the future," said Mitesh with a tear in his eye .

Manish also congratulated DHJ. He hoped that DHJ, who in his opinion, has been the worst advert for vegetarianism does not become the worst ad for married life.

Academy launch at the Wanderers.

Cricket AM: The Wigston Wanderers have recently taken the decision to bus the players around the KPL circuit.

The fabulous array of player's porsches, ferraris and ford escorts will be auctioned off. The money raised will be ploughed into the the launch of the WC Academy.

In a friendly match between the pros and academy players , there seemed to be a large number of "apologetic and hostile " beamers bowled at the young academy players by the first team.

It took a while for one of the academy players, under the constant barriage of bouncers, beamers and yorkers , Nikhil Arora, to summon the courage to sledge the main culprit, Steve Rudge, Ashes winner 2001. He said that he resembled a "fat bus conductor." Next ball, Arora was dismissed with his middle stump cartwheeeling away. Rudge, a man not known for his wit, replied, "tickets please."

Catches win matches

Our reporter WC Grace, no relation to the great man, but was one of the reason we hired him, had an in depth interview with one of the modern great players Curly Ambrosia. Commenting on the recent KPL09 and especially the Wigston Wanderers' horrible run.
Curly said " Wigston Wanderers have no chance of winning if they catch like they do. The old cricket motto of catches win matches still hold true!!"

"Is it that bad?" Our reporter asked

"If the whole of the Wigston Wanderers team went to Mexico none of them would catch anything!!." Curly replied bursting in a fit of laughter which only stopped with an asthma fit and a quick inhaler...

Metro retro

Cricket AM: Round 8 will be held to celebrate Breast Cancer awareness week.

The Wigston wanderers will wear the old beige Kiwi top, moustasches and afro hairstyles. They will also don pink gloves, pads and undergarments.

Meanwhile, Mitesh has stamped his foot down on how retro especially the Indians become. In an urgent press release, Mitesh has told the team that what goes into the body has to be cokked in olive oil, not desi ghee, and what comes out should be cleaned with water, not by hand.

MT1 in Ashes scare

KPLinfo( the home of cricket) : Manish has contracted mononucleosis. He blames the water served at the bar.

From his facebook page, I would blame the barmaid , rather than the water, during the Thursday night Karoke face off. Manish sang " Shabba , Shabba." The ,yet unknown, barmaid sang " Mummy ko nihi hai pata."

Run Mitesh run

In a press conference on the eve of announcing the squad for round 7, Manish revealled his plans to target Mitesh.

"Mitesh is a thoughful and meticulous tinkerer. He has enjoyed playing against us. I think, if my memory serves me correctly, he has an average of 30 with the bat and 10 with the ball per wicket. His success is due to playing within his limitations and having a low centre of gravity at the crease. Mind you , when the Knighton Oval are good , they are good. When they are bad, they grovel. I want to see them grovel," said Manish wiping his brow because the air conditioning broke down at the English Academy in Loughborough.

Gary Pratt to make sensational return for the Wigston Wanderers

KNN: Details are slowly emerging from the Wigston Wanderers camp that the 2005 Ashes winner ,Gary Pratt, is due to end his self imposed exile.

His exile was provoked by some dubious third umpire referrals to Daryll Harper during the Carribean Calypso tour of 2006.

The talisman will cheer Manish's spirits when he takes on the Knighton Oval in round 7 on a suspiciously detoriating spinning paradise.

Trial by Spin

It seems like the Wigston Wanderers Cricket Club (affectionately known as WC amongst their fans) will be face "spin music " instead of the normal "chin music" they have faced so far in the KPL09. The groundsman of the KPL Oval, a Mr Peter Pitchfork, was heard in a drunken tirade in a local pub to be quoted in saying "Mitesh asks the impossible!!How can you produce a spinning wicket when there is so much rain in the air!!!" And then observers claim fell in a drunken stupor.

Our reporters are trying desperately trying to verify the story!

More leaks than the Titanic .

KNN: Oh no , not again! A leaked memo from the Wigston wanderers's dreesing room is in the hands of the Knighton Oval. Manish plans to tuck up Mitesh with some short hostile bowling and bowl very wide of offstump so he has to fish for the ball. Considering their appalling losing streak and comical fielding, I have got my fingers crossed that Manish does not have to fish the ball back from the boundary.

3 games to save his job

In a radio interview with BBC Teeside, Manish ducked the prickly question about the future of his captaincy. A leaked memo from the Chairman of Selectors suggestes that time is running out for Manish because his main sponsor ,Li Pou, of the Chop Shop is losing patience with his stale and repetitive excuses .

This might be one wreck even Li Pou can not salvage .

Press conference bust up

KNN:Manish stormed out of a press conference this morning. He is irritated by the claim, from Mitesh, that he has forgotten how to win.



Manish's problems are mounting. There are unconfirmed reports suggesting a dressing room bust up between Manish and Shane Warne regarding Manish's fateful decision to bowl first on an Edgbaston belter. He flatly refused to concede that it was a strange decision considering Glenn Mcgrath could not bowl after his freakish accident with a rugby ball.

KPl taverns

KPL Taverns held a charity match between the English masters and the West Indies legends at the Wigston Wanderers on Sunday . England all out for 51 , just lost chasing 56 off 18 balls.

The cricket bash raised £2000 for austic children and the Birmingham Dog's home.

Expenses furore hits the fan at KPL central

Mike Engels with some breaking news. Disturbing details are emerging from a specially commissioned KPL probe into team's expenses.



Expenses claims from the Wigston Wanderers have spiralled out of control. Eye watering claims include £4000 for a solar powered laptop, £3000 to replace the team bus's alloys and £400 for hockey pants ?

KPL hall of fame

1. Dr WG Grace
2. H Larwood
3. M Thanki
4. G Sobers
5. S Warne
6.A Gilchrist
7. Imran Khan
8. D Bradman
9.B Lara
10. F Truman

Coach Brian Close.

Manish's Delilah?

Coach Duncan Flecther scratching his head is not an uncommon site for the fanatical and fervent supporters of the Wigston Wanderers.

In a news conference , Duncan has found Manish's achilles heal. He 's in love !
He was quoted by an intimate source within the team set up by saying "Chale ? Chalo."

Coach Flecther has stamped his authority by banning WAGs within the team.

Oh no Manish, we might have a few wet pillows and some repeating ghazals echoing in the team hotel.

Manish's reply , as normal, was unpublishable.

Rumours confirmed about Manish

KNN entertainment news: Last week's flat denial from Manish about a relationship between Manish and Kareena Kapoor has taken a unexpected twist.

Manish , the renowned Playboy of London, has broken so many hearts and the chance of a relationship was very slim. Afterall, Manish would go through the fairer sex like a dog chasing cars. There are signs that he may be mellowing . This is the longest time that he has been going steady.

Stayed tabbed to this story as Mum Anjana has been seen shopping for wedding hats.

No smoke without fire, hey Manish?

Theresa , Entertainment correspondent , signing off for this week.

French Bowls?

KNN early edition: Mitesh Thanki, the youngest hall of fame living legend number 3, has started to grow weary of criccket. He would not mind if 18 ball cricket died out in favour of 6 ball cricket.

He is turning to French bowls to breathe life into his cricket.

This may be the opening Manish Thanki is hoping for . This is an ideal situation to redress the balance and stop this series becoming the "forgotten Ashes."

Manish was seen rubbing his hands in glee. He knows that only Mitesh can defeat himself.

As direct consequence, the bookers have cut the odds on a Manish comeback.

KPL summary so far

Round 1 Knighton Oval 23 beat Wigston Wanderes 17
Round 2 Knighton Oval 30 beat Wigston Wanderes 13
Round3 Knighton Oval 23 beat Wigston Wanderers 8
Round4 Knighton Oval 13 beat Wigston Wanderers 8
Round5 Knighton Oval 23 beat Wigston Wanderers 11

round 6

KNN late edition : Round 6 was washed out.

KPL commissioner, Mitesh Thanki, has flatly refused to refund TV commercial money.

This has sparked a row with TV Moghul, Subhash Chandra. Subhash Chandra is proposing a break away league , the KCL. More details to follow.

knighton premier league

The Knighton premier league is a titanic struggle between the top two teams of the league. Mitesh is leading the Knighton Oval and Manish is captaining the Wigston wanderers.

Manish "on second thoughts" Thanki is very disturbed by being five zip down in the series.
Manish seems to be blaming the strong wind and the fact that he has to bowl under lights for the poor showing. He seems to be blaming everything, except himself . This is having a negative impact on his team.

Their was a tete a tete with Mitesh" I want to be in movies" Thanki last night when Mitesh flatly refused to introduce 6 ball cricket. He strongly believed that 18 ball cricket needs to be preserved.

Also he was not willing to change the venue even though there are serious security concerns expressed by Manish.

"This is what happens when you control the Indian TV commercial interests. Mitesh is not concerned about the game. He wants to maximise TV revenue and nothing else.He thinks he's the Special one!" Manish fumed as he left the press conference without taking any questions.

news flash from KNN

report from Mike Engels of Knighton News Network, it has been reported that Mitesh and Deepika Puduka are going out.

Mitesh ,when questioned by Teresa Romeriz, replied, " we're just good friends."

4 h 's of cricket

1. hit the ball
2. houf the ball over the bowler's head
3.hop down the pitch
4.hit the ball

Akbar 2