New balls,pleaze

Radio Mirchi : Mitesh was disgusted that the umpires did not spot Manish's ICC banned "Kermit ball."

Mitesh has alleged that we need to put a bell in the ball so the umpires can pick up the ball tampering.The "kermit ball" is particularly dangerous because it starts to reverse swing at the 6 th ball.

Manish in his defence told Radio Mirchi that Mitesh had broken the ball himself when he misqueued a defensive front foot shot.

Mitesh was slow to react to the fact that Manish had tampered with the ball, even though the evidence was replayed after each delivery by the Knighton Oval brat pack. The rupee finally dropped for Mitesh. On his 16 th delivery, he bowled Manish a beamer in anger.

What's up , Doc?

Body in Balance TV: Mitesh has turned to CEO Mum Anjana to find a cure to his chronic back problem.

Mum Anjana rubbed her hands in joy. She has recommended a carrot diet.

" Now you don't see rabbits wearing glasses and having back problems, do you?" said Mum Anjana as she distributed a recipe for carrot soup to our TV crew.

The Enforcer says the pen is mighter than a 2lb 10oz SS bat

Sky Arts: Mitesh was attending the book launch of the former Knighton Oval enforcer,Robin Banks.

He was a hard hitting all rounder in the 2003 Ashes winning team. He was an effective sledger from first slip. During his last Ashes campaign, he greeted Manish to the crease by saying, " Have you got any family?"

Tragedy struck the very next ball, when he was involved in a career ending collision with butterfingers wicketkeeper, Rick O'Shea.

After an unsuccessful comeback, he turned to a career as a financial advisor.

"Deregulation of bank's security" was described by Mitesh as an interesting insight into how banks can remain safe with less security staff.

KPL Rap

You’ve got to bat and bowl
But have to really give your soul
You can bowl slow or fast
But you should never be last

Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m a KnightonOval man

They’ll always hit you and try to hurt you
But you will Defend and attack and find a way though
There is only one way to beat them
Bowl around the legs and let the death rattle greet them

Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m a KnightonOval man

And what you’re looking at
Or i will hit with a beamer, yeah just like that
This my master plan
ANd we will even sledge the opposition fans
This ain’t a simple cricket song
AND remember Don't support Wigston Wanderers they are just wrong

Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m a KnightonOval man

Jellybean overdose at KO?

Panorama: Manish has called for random drug testing after it was revealed that Mitesh was going to launch a Knighton Oval song.

"If there isn't a "jelly bean" problem within the KO team what more proof do you need? Next you'll tell me that Mitesh is appearing on "KPL has got talent" dancing to Kajra re Kajra re," said Manish checking his bank account to see if Setanta has paid him for his Fanta ad last week.

Mitesh to settle score

Kplinfo: In the absence of the banned Gavin Hamilton, Mitesh delivered a chilling progress report into the state of the KPL to the Schofield committee.

"Last week's pitch was a disgrace. It had not been cut for weeks.It was a third world pitch. Whose bright idea was it to make the pitch sand based. It helped the wigston Wanderer's leggies,"said Mitesh.

Our Windies correspondent,Joel Garner,whispered the name of the guilty party into Mitesh's ear.

Mitesh took his bat and stormed off. He spotted the "sicknote" groundsman relieving himself on the KO trophy cabinet on the KPL CCTV.

Rare interview with the Captain of Wigston Wanderers

Today we have an exclusive interview with Manish the Captain of WC.
The interview today is by well known TV personality and BCC host of Watch the Night, Jeremiah Pacman.
"So Mr Manish or Your Highness as you like to be called by your friends,how would describe the rumours regarding the split within the WC camp, especially with the omission of your talisman Rudge ka Gudge in the last game?" Our reporter said

"First of all there is no split in the camp. The incident you are talking about was a mere misunderstanding. There is always going to be some disagreement in a group of players, it is because they care about the team! There is no I in TEAM" Manish then chuckled to himself either he found what he said funny or was telling himself a private joke. He has been seen buying a number of rude joke books from some very unprofitable places.

"A disagreement?" Our reporter replied "Rudge Ka Gudge needed 12 stitches his face with 2 broken teeth!! An eye witness says you were covered in blood, not your own by Rudges!! Then later that day your Austin Martin DB7 was heard playing Ludacris' "Get Back" especially the line and I quote "See I caught 'em wit a right hook, caught 'em wit a jab. Caught 'em wit an uppercut, kicked 'em in his ass" what do have to say to that!!!"

"Hate the game not the playa...G5" is all Manish said before getting up and leaving...

In next weeks edition read about how to make home-made pumpkin juice...

Put da sock in it.

Sky Sports News: Manish has joined Mitesh in a rare moment of unity by rubbishing women's cricket,on the eve of the Women's T20 final.

"Yes, the cricket is comical. You've got undernourished Indians and Pakistanis.They struggle to hold the bat. How did the Windies field 11 players , when they can't get 11 players for the men's team?It's a mystery to me.If I took on one of the Ozzie or Kiwi girls in a fight I'm not sure if I would be able to silence her with just one punch , as in the old days," said Manish ,as he paused to take sip of Wigston Wanderer's triple filtered coconut pineapple juice.

The press conference was gatecrashed by 44 angry women cricketers who were practicing in the Wigston Wanderers net and watching Manish on the big screen. They locked the door and began to scream and shout.

Luckily for Manish, he has developed the technique of blocking "white noise." He had plenty practice during his bad tempered one way disciplinaries with CEO Mum Anjana.

Glasgow kiss for miss.

BBC 24: Mitesh has been giving evidence in the Stanford enquiry. The Knighton Oval have still not been paid for taking part in the Stanford series with Jamacia and England.

The meeting was disturbed by an angry feminist protester Ms Emily Pankhurst. Ms Pankhurst was upset by Mitesh's comment in "Being Mittie" that he would never launch a Knighton Oval ladies team until they start wearing mini skirts.

Ms Pankhurst sprayed Mitesh with pink paint and slapped a Wigston Wanderers sticker on Gavin Hamilton's forehead, the current Vice Captain. Gavin leapt out of his seat and gave her a "Glasgow kiss."

It's 5-1 with five games to go !

Wigston Wanders : Manish was not lying when he would do anything to win. He applied the chin theory by bowling short. The sandy pitch was a God send . He got unreliable bounce.

There was some controversy when Manish's feet were touching the rope and a four was not given.

Manish said, "Life is swings and roundabouts. I think the decisions evened themselves out over the game. Mitesh was fitter than I expected. I think watching the Liverpool Mission Istambul helped. I am confident that I will win the next four matches."

Being Mittie.

Sky Arts : Mitesh has published a record breaking autobiography " Being Mittie." It has reached number one within one week of its release.

Mitesh talks intimately about his humble beginnings as a corridor cricketer. He learnt how to play the on drive by concentrating on hitting the broken washing machine.

He self taught himself how to play leg spin by remaining still and focussed at the crease. He gives an insight into his ability to crash the ball consistently for sixes.

He states that when he was four, he used to use a full size bat. His brother used to bowl bouncers at him from six yards.

He learnt his first lesson in captaincy from Thanki Thanki.
He said," Captaincy is about the two M's- momentum and planning."

It is an enjoyable read and competitively priced at £8.99.

Daniel Lambert , the entertainer.

Wigston Wanderers Live: Daniel Lambert has been invited to be the guest of the Wigston Wanderes after Easyjet refused to change his ticket.

Daniel said," This is what happens when the world is run by Sunderland and Knighton Oval fans. They are like rats.You are never more than three feet away from the blighters."

Daniel moved to a lighter mood by cracking some jokes.

1. What do you get when you cross a Knighton Oval fan with a gorilla ?
Dunno. There's a limit you can make a gorilla do.

2.A patient was sitting in the doctor's office. He was awaiting some results.
The doctor walks in .
"Ah, Mr Freaky. Would you like the good news or the bad news?" said Dr Thanki.
"Bad news please, Doc," said Freaky.
"The bad news is that you have got 48 hours to live,"said Dr Thanki.
"The good news? There's a cure !" said Freaky shivering.
"Of course, not - there is no cure !"said Dr Thanki.
"Did you see that pretty nurse before you came to see me? The tall blonde one in the short skirt?"said Dr Thanki rubbing his hands.
"Yes," said freaky.
"Well I am going out with her tonight,"said the Doctor.

3. A burglary was recently committed at the Mara Knighton Oval ground. The entire contents of trophy room was stolen. Police are looking for an umpa loompa with a pink carpet and a Red camel energy drink.

4. Two cows were grazing on the Knighton Oval pitch.
"What do you make of this mad cow disease ?" said the black cow
"Doesn't affect me, bana,"said the other cow.
"Oh, yeah ? Why's that?"
"I'm a helicopter."

5. An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.
It was wifey with a report that a lunatic was driving down the wrong way down the motorway.
"Yeah, I know. It's not one," Albert replies," there's hundreds of these bonkers."

6. What do elephants have for dinner?
An hour- just like the rest of us.

7. What is the difference between a dog and a fox ?
About pints of Newcastle bitter.

8. a man walks into a doctor's clinic.
"I'm having probs with my love muscle. My wife danced for me . But still nothing." said Desparate Dan.
Dr Thanki asked him to come tomorrow with his wife at nine o'clock sharp.
The wife danced and shook whatever her mother had given her.
Dr Thanki patted the man on the shoulder and said, " You have not got a problem. You need to change your wife."

eggtremists

Toon Army Pull out : Manish was surprised to learn that the membership for the Wigston Wanderers has swelled due to Hav-a-Sheikh's six month free trial membership.

The marketing drive has attracted alot of disgruntled Newcastle fans. Daniel Lambert said, " I like the Wigston Wanderers because I was reading Manish's entry on Wikipedia. It said Manish had trials with Newcastle United. He worked for the Newcastle Red cross. He received a doctorate on Kevin Keegan from Newcastle Poly at the age of 14. He is one of us. On Doomsday Sunday, I will crack eggs on my bare chest with every ball. If Manish loses, I will drink the eggs in a Knighton Oval preferred partner mug."

Sheikh , rattle and roll

Marketing weekly: Hav-a-Sheikh has lost no time to tap the marketing potential of the Wigston Wanderers. To celebrate the launch of his new Red Camel energy boost drink, Wigston Wanderers are holding a hula hoop competition for the female WC fans.

The winner will have to drink as many cans possible in 1 minute whilst hula hooping.

The first prize is a leading role in Yash Raj's next film, "Slumcamel Billionaire."

The second prize is an exciting evening with Manish.

Manish said, " This is the first time being the runner-up is being the real winner, cos I will show them my idea of a good night as the bishop said to the actress."

Manish is ready for a SHEIKH

***************STOP THE PRESS***************
The Knighton Echo has well informed sources at the Wigston Wanderers which states the club could be taken over by a middle eastern billionaire in the shape of Hav-A-Sheikh, who has made his money in Camels, yes camels. Who would have guessed??

Our reporter got access to an exclusive interview with the Sheikh. On direct questioning why he had bought a franchise in such financial turmoil with record losses last year the Sheikh answered
"When the Camel is of the thirst, it is the Camel that will find the water!"

Our Middle eastern correspondent is currently in hospital so we can not interpret the saying, but we think it means "Who cares I am rolling in your US dollar, I've been pimped"

However, we can report in a sudden twist of events that Manish has been seen taking acting lesson. We believe this is after he was offered the role of Kakarrot in the forthcoming parody Lionball A.

More to follow.....

edammed

Mitesh, the rockstar, shines at Kingtonbury.

Knighton Oval Pay per view channel 2211: With the constant rain and abandonment of matches, Mitesh has unilaterally brought forward the annual music festival, Knightonbury.

Not even a power cut could stop Mitesh finish singing "Chinni Kum." The swarm of crazy Korean fans of the Knighton Oval joined in enthusiatically. they conducted their own tribute by doing the choota nihi hai dance. They would peel off their blazers and aircomb their hair.

" I really enjoyed it. I was worried that the Knightonbury would become a Woodstock with the Korerans peeling off their clothes. You need a good audience for karoke. Otherwise, it is like a having a kiss without a squeeze," said Mitesh as he caught some Hauritz jelly beans in his mouth, thrown by Eval Ivanov , the stunning Knighton Oval cheerleader.

Manish "another fine mess, "according the Kpl CEO.

Knighton Oval TV: CEO Mum Anjana has hammered out her concerns about Manish.

Mum Anjana:" He is not like his cheques, he can not bounce back. The 5-0 lead is disappointing. This is not one day cricket. It is one way cricket.

On this rare occasion, I agree with Thanki Thanki, this t18 format is an exhibition and t36 is an examination.

Manish is headed for no where. Unfortunately, he has got there sooner than expected. The only thing he will get without trying is balckheads.

I disagree with Manish's decision to hire Alan Hansen as consultant. Alan told him to introduce: tempo, pace and power into his batting. That is just plain stupid. That advice is like giving a drowning man both sides of the rope.

I am a non violent person, I think I need to slap Manish into shape."

Our reporter will fiel e reply as soon as he finishes his oven baked steamed somasa.

Facts,Lies and Videotapes

BBC Panorama ( Are today's cricketers out of control ? ) :As Mitesh left the Mara Knighton Oval, he was greeted by a frenzied Korean group of KO supporters chanting "Halla Bol" to the deafening Korean drums. An expectant autograph hunter was disappointed when Mitesh gave him his blazer, combed his hair and said, "Choota nihi hai."

"Never trust what you read in the papers!!" Mitesh said as he got into his black 4 by 4 Rangerover Sport.
"Well technically it was on a blog rather than a newspaper" Our reporter Nosmo King reply
"What ever!!" Mitesh replied through black sunglasses.
"Look for one the music in the coach is The Fellow of the Rings and not Lord of the rings FACT. He was not wearing any underwear FACT! It was his ex girlfriend that let him lose FACT!!!
"What about him going to WC your bitter rivals" Our reporter asked
"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea" Mitesh replied drowned out by the sound of spinning tyres and a hasty get away.

When the traffic light turned green, Mitesh delibrately drove into a puddle. The water and mud sprayed a disabled wheelchair bound senior Wigston wanderers supporter being pushed across the road by her care worker.

She got up from her wheelchair and walked to the curb. She whipped the mud out of her eyes. She began to chant "We're cool. We're rock. Wigston wanderers, we rule."

Mitesh reversed his 4x4 with previously unseen giggling cheerleaders in the back. He lowered the window and simply turned up his Fellow of the rings CD.

Cash and Barry

Wigston Wanderers TV: Gareth Barry has done the unthinkable. He has signed for the Wigston Wanderers from the Knighton Oval for an undisclosed fee, believed to be £300,000.

Barry has revealled that the main reason for the move was the fact that Mitesh has not changed the "Lord of the Rings" CD in the team bus for the past 18 months.

" The final straw was that on my stag do Mitesh and the Mara brothers shaved my head. They handcuffed me to a lampost and stripped me down to my underwear. I was a deadringer for Golum. Dogs pissed on me. Drivers honked at me all night. The police drove past several times. Finally, I was released by my sister. I was going to cancel my wedding but I couldn't afford to lose the deposit. Worst still, Mitesh released a video of it on youtube," said Barry , as he took a pill for anxiety attacks.

Thanki Snr speaks from the wilderness

Biography channel : Mitesh's dad, Thanki Thanki, ex supermo of the Kpl franchise, has heavily criticised Mitesh for selling the soul of the KPL.

"This is supermarket cricket. The Kpl is no longer a novelty. It is on every day. Mitesh's capataincy is soft and boring. I hate the way he goes to the Mara brother after each ball and pats them on the bum. In my era, we bowled 36 balls. We had nothing about diets and stamina. Mitesh, can ask his Mum I used to eat 10 chappatis a day. Mitesh has to realise that the difference between a good spin bowler and a normal spin bowler is your brains," said Thanki Thanki as he glumped a whole coke can in one go.

Mara plumbing takesover Knighton Oval.

CNBC: Mara plumbing have bought 60% in the Knighton Oval franchise for a cool $1million.

There will be an immediate shake up. Ravi, Sanjay and Deepak Mara will open the bowling and bat top of the order. The team mascot will be called "Fruita", after the headless chicken that survived for two years, and the team chant will become "Mara, Mara." The stadium will be renamed the Mara Knighton Oval.

We join Mitesh in a live interview with Jonathan Agnew.

Jonathan Agnew :Mitesh is having a heavy net session with the Knighton Oval under 9 team to improve his confidence. Can you tell the worldwide audience about your health and the impact of the Mara deal?

Mitesh: I am close to a total recovery from my back spasm. The Mara deal will be good for us. We will pump $600,000 into the academy. $400,000 will be used to refurbish the Knighton pavillion. As you can see, if you turn your cameras, the Mara lads are already working on the piping.

As Mitesh drops his SS bat, he shouts , " Nichhe ki pipe, Bandru!"

We are trying to restore our satelite link.

Super Mit and ugly Scots

Knighton Oval TV: In a warm match with the Scottish t20 team, Mitesh took 5 wickets in a sensational over . Requiring 1 run to win, the Scottish underdogs were cruising at 17 for 5 when Mitesh spinwashed them..

The only difference between Clark Kent and Mitesh is that Clark Kent took off his glasses before he saved the day.

Manish's rant.

Wigston Wanderers TV: Manish has slapped a dossier on CEO Mum Anjana's desk.

"I know it is too early for mind games. Mitesh is violating the Respect campaign with umpires.
On 1 st May, no lbws were awarded against the Knighton Oval. Fact
On 8 th May , Mitesh bombed Steve Bucknor out of the Kpl series. Fact.
On 15th May, James Freaky was allowed to have a runner eventhough he was carrying a pre existing injury. Fact.
But he is not punished.How can you have a respect campaign and criticise the umpires every week?
You can analyse the facts and come to your own decision . We had a meeting in Manchester about the respect campaign .And I was very clear. Forget the campaign because Mr Thanki was killing the umpires," said Manish.

Some mothers to have em!!

Our reporter Leggy Botham (a strange name you may say, but it was one of the reasons we hired him) took his reporting to behind the scenes of the KPL09, due to the lack of recent matches, some would even argue lack of excitement!

Today we are going to interview the ever enigmatic Mum Anjana CEO of the KPL franchise

"So how do you feel about the KPL tournament? Many would say there is no real excitement with such a one side series"

"In an tournament you are always going to have series like this one, and usually the team inflicting the damage is later called a great by the historians" Mum Anjana said while eating a samosa while the reporters stomach grumbled

"You hungry? What is your mummy doing you are as thin at a freshly fried poppadom!!" Mum Anjana.

Unfortunately the rest of our report is to follow... as our reporter is still eating...
Shame