Being Mittie.

Sky Arts : Mitesh has published a record breaking autobiography " Being Mittie." It has reached number one within one week of its release.

Mitesh talks intimately about his humble beginnings as a corridor cricketer. He learnt how to play the on drive by concentrating on hitting the broken washing machine.

He self taught himself how to play leg spin by remaining still and focussed at the crease. He gives an insight into his ability to crash the ball consistently for sixes.

He states that when he was four, he used to use a full size bat. His brother used to bowl bouncers at him from six yards.

He learnt his first lesson in captaincy from Thanki Thanki.
He said," Captaincy is about the two M's- momentum and planning."

It is an enjoyable read and competitively priced at £8.99.

Daniel Lambert , the entertainer.

Wigston Wanderers Live: Daniel Lambert has been invited to be the guest of the Wigston Wanderes after Easyjet refused to change his ticket.

Daniel said," This is what happens when the world is run by Sunderland and Knighton Oval fans. They are like rats.You are never more than three feet away from the blighters."

Daniel moved to a lighter mood by cracking some jokes.

1. What do you get when you cross a Knighton Oval fan with a gorilla ?
Dunno. There's a limit you can make a gorilla do.

2.A patient was sitting in the doctor's office. He was awaiting some results.
The doctor walks in .
"Ah, Mr Freaky. Would you like the good news or the bad news?" said Dr Thanki.
"Bad news please, Doc," said Freaky.
"The bad news is that you have got 48 hours to live,"said Dr Thanki.
"The good news? There's a cure !" said Freaky shivering.
"Of course, not - there is no cure !"said Dr Thanki.
"Did you see that pretty nurse before you came to see me? The tall blonde one in the short skirt?"said Dr Thanki rubbing his hands.
"Yes," said freaky.
"Well I am going out with her tonight,"said the Doctor.

3. A burglary was recently committed at the Mara Knighton Oval ground. The entire contents of trophy room was stolen. Police are looking for an umpa loompa with a pink carpet and a Red camel energy drink.

4. Two cows were grazing on the Knighton Oval pitch.
"What do you make of this mad cow disease ?" said the black cow
"Doesn't affect me, bana,"said the other cow.
"Oh, yeah ? Why's that?"
"I'm a helicopter."

5. An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.
It was wifey with a report that a lunatic was driving down the wrong way down the motorway.
"Yeah, I know. It's not one," Albert replies," there's hundreds of these bonkers."

6. What do elephants have for dinner?
An hour- just like the rest of us.

7. What is the difference between a dog and a fox ?
About pints of Newcastle bitter.

8. a man walks into a doctor's clinic.
"I'm having probs with my love muscle. My wife danced for me . But still nothing." said Desparate Dan.
Dr Thanki asked him to come tomorrow with his wife at nine o'clock sharp.
The wife danced and shook whatever her mother had given her.
Dr Thanki patted the man on the shoulder and said, " You have not got a problem. You need to change your wife."

eggtremists

Toon Army Pull out : Manish was surprised to learn that the membership for the Wigston Wanderers has swelled due to Hav-a-Sheikh's six month free trial membership.

The marketing drive has attracted alot of disgruntled Newcastle fans. Daniel Lambert said, " I like the Wigston Wanderers because I was reading Manish's entry on Wikipedia. It said Manish had trials with Newcastle United. He worked for the Newcastle Red cross. He received a doctorate on Kevin Keegan from Newcastle Poly at the age of 14. He is one of us. On Doomsday Sunday, I will crack eggs on my bare chest with every ball. If Manish loses, I will drink the eggs in a Knighton Oval preferred partner mug."

Sheikh , rattle and roll

Marketing weekly: Hav-a-Sheikh has lost no time to tap the marketing potential of the Wigston Wanderers. To celebrate the launch of his new Red Camel energy boost drink, Wigston Wanderers are holding a hula hoop competition for the female WC fans.

The winner will have to drink as many cans possible in 1 minute whilst hula hooping.

The first prize is a leading role in Yash Raj's next film, "Slumcamel Billionaire."

The second prize is an exciting evening with Manish.

Manish said, " This is the first time being the runner-up is being the real winner, cos I will show them my idea of a good night as the bishop said to the actress."

Manish is ready for a SHEIKH

***************STOP THE PRESS***************
The Knighton Echo has well informed sources at the Wigston Wanderers which states the club could be taken over by a middle eastern billionaire in the shape of Hav-A-Sheikh, who has made his money in Camels, yes camels. Who would have guessed??

Our reporter got access to an exclusive interview with the Sheikh. On direct questioning why he had bought a franchise in such financial turmoil with record losses last year the Sheikh answered
"When the Camel is of the thirst, it is the Camel that will find the water!"

Our Middle eastern correspondent is currently in hospital so we can not interpret the saying, but we think it means "Who cares I am rolling in your US dollar, I've been pimped"

However, we can report in a sudden twist of events that Manish has been seen taking acting lesson. We believe this is after he was offered the role of Kakarrot in the forthcoming parody Lionball A.

More to follow.....

edammed

Mitesh, the rockstar, shines at Kingtonbury.

Knighton Oval Pay per view channel 2211: With the constant rain and abandonment of matches, Mitesh has unilaterally brought forward the annual music festival, Knightonbury.

Not even a power cut could stop Mitesh finish singing "Chinni Kum." The swarm of crazy Korean fans of the Knighton Oval joined in enthusiatically. they conducted their own tribute by doing the choota nihi hai dance. They would peel off their blazers and aircomb their hair.

" I really enjoyed it. I was worried that the Knightonbury would become a Woodstock with the Korerans peeling off their clothes. You need a good audience for karoke. Otherwise, it is like a having a kiss without a squeeze," said Mitesh as he caught some Hauritz jelly beans in his mouth, thrown by Eval Ivanov , the stunning Knighton Oval cheerleader.